A War

I feel I've started a war - A time war.. I don't want this but I just did it..

It's like I'm the soldier on the battlefield, moving forward to the enemy zone. Suddenly there's an incoming bomb where I got bombed away, wounded. I could feel I'm directionless as I get up from the bombing, not knowing which side I am facing.. Am I facing my home side? Or am I facing the other side?

When I found my momentum of moving forward again, I realise I'm wounded. I don't care if I'm badly wounded. So without caring much for my injuries, I moved even faster to get close to the enemy, tend to hurt the enemy's weak spots. I hope by hurting the weak spots of the enemy, the war will stop. I would rather have a huge war and it ends once and for all than to have time war depleting all the resources. In a huge war, I might get injured, I might even die, but better than continuation of wars all over where I suffer from wounds here and there. I might lose a leg and yet going back to war zone when the enemy attacks. These wounds will heal but scars remain which always remind you to hate your rival more and more. In your mind you're filled with memory of the enemy hurting you and consequently all you want to do is hurt them back.

Upon closing the enemy, I find out that the enemy is no enemy after all. It's a little girl, who needs some good hugs and someone who could pamper her a little more. She bites me and the pain is only 1% of the excruciating pain I suffered before. It just happened that she slipped and let go of the bomb. She's not even suppose to be here. I took it as a taunting action by the rival. I recalled that I was shooting blindly towards her and it made her cry and fear. She's also having some wounds over her body.

What have I done? I started the war on my own by not thinking further. In my mind I was thinking of killing the enemy who hurt me. But coming to this circumstance, I start to think if I should hurt 'her'. A certain thing is that her wounds will recover too and she'll remember who gave her those scars forever. My mindset is that she'll seek revenge whenever possible in the near future. Thus I fear too, fear she's coming to hurt me as she grows, I wanted to leave the battlefield, leaving her vulnerable with her wounds. I thought she'd be OK on her own. Coming towards the end of this war, the bomb which blew was actually an action of my own. I left the bomb there and I got blew by my own bomb. The little girl just so happened to played with the bomb I left, giving a false alarm to myself that there are enemies. The mindset of protecting my country, myself clouded my thinking as to fear enemy approaching.

So I'm wounded, scarred, exhausted, and my resources are depleted.. I got nothing out of the incident except those scars which I 'assumed' the enemy left me. Fark that but what about the little girl? What would be on her mind? Fear? Irritated? Hatred? And full of memories of the war which happened? There's nothing I could do to comfort her, as the damage is done, and it's done severely. I sincerely apologise to her, trying my best not to wage war anymore. She's crying, begging me not to do this to her anymore.

I believe she'll hate me forever. I'd rather she do that. Kill me if she wants to. This is what I owe her, a form of repayment towards the pain I've caused, and the scars which haunt her forever. Then I'll owe her nothing...

Back

I realise I can't escape from what I am.. I like to blog.. I like to express out my feelings, especially the unhappy ones...

I can't hiding myself from expressing my feelings in words... But maybe I should blog more positively, to create a happy aura to people around me, cheer them up, support them if possible..

After all, what are friends for? I'm here to support my friends, and I hope they would do the same to me too...

Stressful

Bye

Initially I put this blog as a diary... To share some of my personal thoughts and experience with others... With close friends who read my blog especially... It's also a room for me to express my feelings, where I don't need to care about how others would think...

It's the biggest mistake to take that in a public blog... When I blog, I just use words which I think appropriate without considering the message passed to the readers... Now that I've realised how important those words are, because people might misunderstood words I use...

Now that misunderstood is there, and I don't want to change the way I write just because people misunderstand my posts... So I've decided not to write anything anymore in this blog... It's not dead, but maybe I'll just post some photos and let readers justify on their own... If photos still mislead you all, I'll go private... It's about time I undo some of the conflicts created by my words...
I guess freedom to speak is just notional after all...

A Different View

I just realise a big difference between me and book readers... I don't read books... I think books which I've fully read are those story books when I was young.. I could barely recall any books I've fully read...

I have a different thought when it comes to gaining knowledge... I can't deny reading is the best to learn new stuff, get introduced into new things, provide you with a different perspective of your viewpoint... Nobody will deny it... Perhaps I have my way of discovering new world out there...

A good chat with people would always be my favorite... Whoever it is, as long as a person is willing to share, I am willing to listen... To me, every person's story is a book by itself... I like talking, a good communication with people really enhance your thoughts... The latest guy I talked to alot is the the guy who sold me kuih in Serdang... It's due to my Dear that I get to chat with him...

I didn't need a long sitting down one to one interview with him, just a short chat while waiting for my kuih to be made has given me the time I need to know another side of the world... Well it's not physically another world, but a different perspective as to how a 50+ year old guy looks at the world... His time, our time, surely plenty of differences arise... But something is surely similar between me and him, is that both of us work hard for our lives... He works hard, but I'm not sure the reason behind; for me, I work hard for my life, cuz I'm not really a smart one, not the chosen one... But I'm willing to work hard, to start from basics, to climb the stairs, not taking elevator... I don't have the convenience, but I have the determination... It's slow but it's steady... I need to work extra hard compare to the rest, I don't have the time compare to others, but I know it'll work... I know my effort is taken into account, I know it'll be fruitful...

Not many will trust my vision... I'm not so persuasive or charismatic to get along others to share my vision, or even not to feel provoked with my low-ambitions thoughts... But I know I will, it's not just confidence I have, but also motivation, minor pressure from peers and "spouse" which keep me moving on...

Didn't have a sleepless night... In fact I think I fell asleep so easily due to tireness... Just plain tired...

I wasn't happy with what I've said... But the damage is done so I guess everything is too late... Been mad, been sad, been knocking my head... All just doesn't work... Decisions were tough to make, but I believe that in sacrificies to make others happy... The time spent, the effort made, but in the end I don't see them to become fruitful, perhaps my methods are wrong... I just can't expect to behave homogeneous like I do... Can't mind a couple of fights, what if the process repeats itself over and over again and the issues remain, then maybe a deep thought should be given onto those problems on how to solve them... Departure is the last arrival point where no one wants to land..

I can tell others not to expect too much from others, but I just can't do it myself... It's so hard I can't be understood and yet issues were made... Doubts on my faith, questions on my actions... All these makes it so fragile, so shackles easily and shattered into pieces... Not all my actions are corrrect, but a little faith would be useful to get me going, which I take it as my steroids of moving forward...

Between Logic & Emotional

I'm missing some old things... As we grow, many things don't come the way we expect them. It's not like we're children anymore pampered by parents where most of the time we could things we want... I do mention that only most of the time... Our needs were simple back then. Perhaps an ice-cream, a meal at KFC or MacD is already sufficient to keep us happy all day long... This is the emotional part of me... Missing some good old feelings where they're so abstract yet so real, memories are long long ago and yet so fresh in my mind.

That was then, this is now... I face more and more challenges as I try to pursue my targets. Of course those targets were not simple anymore... It would take more effort and independence to achieve them.. I learnt not to expect things too much, as upset could be my biggest enemy. It's the reason why I always leave space for an element call surpise... By then I would appreciate what comes to me, and try hard not let it go... Tolerance is the word here if you talk about people... You want good relationship with anyone, tolerance is a must and it's what I've learnt as I communicate with others... I don't read books... But experience shared by others shapes my moral and ethics. I try to live with a life accepted by many, so that I could easily adapt different lives easily, and it forges a bridge when I communicate with others in the same wavelength.

Throughout this process, I've also learnt about logic. I feel that being logical is vital as thinking illogically lets me see through many things.. I don't know bout how others think, but thinking logically is the most shared thoughts of many. But this does not give me advantages over those who don't think logically sometimes... It's hard to understand what is in their minds, and predict their actions and behavior.. I am known as a positive theory believer, where I analyse people based on their actions and yet do not form a prescription on what they should do...

I think that it's a consequence that I would think far being logical... In some ways I overlooked personal feelings, and I overlooked my position... I always assume I have control as I try to think logically, figure the possible solutions on what I could do to make things right... It's this which made me ignored others' feelings and acceptance where I made another assumption that everyone would react rationally... Very conflicting indeed, as I tried to achieve a resonance with others, but in the end not only I failed, I also caused more problems when I thought I figured the solutions out..

May need to take into consideration of others' reaction when I think.. It's not easy when things go out of my control and I take too many considerations into hands delay precious time and risk the possibilty of failing... After all, there are 2 sides of a coin... I still choose to be logical but learning bout emotional behaviours, maybe it can reduce the cons of be logical...