The Begin of Project 10 - Day 1

Slept late last night... But woke up superbly early today, to fetch my my VID to airport.. The complicated feelings in my heart still wandered as the departure symbolize a milestone. I treat it as a test on how my feelings would react as days go by. I tried to explain the complications but it seemed that I have failed. I'm just a human, who's weak at times I require support from others too. I would feel insecure, uneasy and worried for those I care, especially when there's an intimidating relationship. Wanted to act calm, act as if nothing would go wrong but the more I acted, the more I knew that it would never be convincing, when I couldn't even convince myself that nothing would go wrong.. And I'm right, on the 1st day out and I'm already 'bugged'...

There are also much complication to be added even if thing goes the 'right' way, or I should say the way I want it to be... I did not expect the momentum could go so high to an unforeseable situation. Things get out my control and suddenly I'm got caught up in a ground where I never face before, and a wrong move or a wrong word could be fatal to the relationship... I was stoned and I didn't know what to reply... It's impossible to predict the answer but I could feel that it's not the answer wished to be heard. I wanted to seek the proper answer but I'm clueless of where to begin. It's so full of words and I could hardly pick up the point where all seem to be so important, so true from and to heart, and so... naked. That's the word I can think of as I've never seen such direct words used. In my world, I try to be ambiguous and remain general to open up spaces for further thinking. Blogging is to put your life under the spot light where people can view you and judge you. By being general I leave open ends to my posts where final conclusions will be based on very personal, most the time relating to reader's own past and how he/she came to that conclusion..

I've wandered far... Time to step back to my good old days, enjoying what's left for the next 10 days. Freedom would be one of them...

Choosing Sides

I believe that love could be shared... The love to different people are categorised differently, especially the Chinese words.. U can have so many kinds of love, all inside your tiny heart..

Love becomes to another story when it comes to another person. One may believe that love is blind, one may try hard to find a reason to love. Some believe that love should be whole-hearted , but I have a different definition when it comes to this word..

There are always two sides on everything. The side we choose or get to see, and the side we choose not to or didn't get to see. Coins have two sides: there's light and there's shadow.. It's not easy to look at one thing in different perspectives, but if you do, you will understand why do people or things behave the way they're suppose to be.. In the end it's still up to you whether you want to see the other side. If you isolate yourself, you will see things you want to see and start become ignorant. Some may continue to live happily in their world of ignorance knowing they can't do anything, others may continue to hide in the shadows, thinking that there's no safe place for their kind...

So which side am I in? I'm still searching, a side, which would comfort people, while not losing myself in the process.. It could be fruitless, but it's worth a try...

Project 10

Ok, rather than Project 365, mine is so much shorter but still challenging....

It's coming soon... 10 consecutive days of blogging with at least 1 post a day... Should a tough challenge for amateur blogger like me..

Readers, ask me out for the next few weeks so I can keep up my inspiration to blog bout my life... 10 days... But seems so long... Wish myself.... Fully Inspired hehe

Yes and No

I have no name, I have no fame,
nor I have fortune or power...

I have no bright future,
I have no wisdom,
I have no fancy car,
I have no handsome face,
I have no muscular body,
I have no confident... anymore....

But I have;
I have a heartful of passion,
I have a group of friends,
I have the will to succeed,
I have the courage to try,
i have the determination to move on,
I have supports from friends and family...

But will that be sufficient?
Will I be able to stand on my ground?
Will I ever be, the person you know?
Will I be, different?

Bed Time Story

I’m impressed… I can understand what Sin Yee told me last time now… If it’s worth fight for, it’s worth dying for… I’m impressed how it shapes human determination that people are willing to give in the most costly thing including their lives to gain something or someone they desire so much…

I never think that my determination could stretch to a level where I never imagine before.. Of course not so high that I lost myself, but high enough for me to know myself once again that I’ve done something proud in my life, at least for me..

I’ve always seen myself as an impatient one, but somehow some claim that I’ve one hell of a patient guy… Hmm maybe it’s because I don’t throw my temper to them... Well as far as I can remember, the person suffered my worst temper is my mom. She had depression back then and yet I was stupid enough to throw temper at her due to her nagging characteristics where most moms do. Could recall that it was a massive jam while taking her to somewhere. Weather was bad, she’s just couldn’t shut up and the road was never smooth enough for me to shift to 2nd gear.. Damn it was horrible. Even though it’s past mother’s day but I still like to say Happy Mother’s Day to mom. She would never find out about this blog or could read this either but I really mean what I say here.

On contrary, I’m treating her right these days. She may not recall the incident, but it’s a painful memory I could not forget and dared not ask for forgiveness. On the bright side, it’s made me started to thank my mom and appreciate her presence to nag me on my life so I don’t make mistakes, nor to repeat them. Yeah we always tell ourselves not to live in the history, but we don’t realize how history has changed the way we lived (Kai Loon, 2009)

Stupid Burg

Economy's really bad these days.. Before that Ken's car glass was smashed, my mom almost got robbed and now my house... Fark the bastard who broke into my house, curse him till the day he dies.. Don't want to be so mean, but if things get that bad, you might feel like cursing these scumbags too.. I also don't want to be racist, but Indians these days just become more and more desperate as if the bad economy only affects them and gives them excuses to implement their evil thoughts...

It's also given some further thinking. Currently I don't own a house, moreover a house with better security. In fact, I don't even have a proper house.. I want to get rich, I want a better life, I want to work harder, I want to get out of this miserable neighbourhood....

I've lost 200 bucks, but it's more than 200 cuz all the notes were so valuable to me and my mom lost more than 1k. I hope what I'm earning in the future will be so much greater, to attract him to come back and get me, and I'll bust him to avenge what I've lost, and let him be prosecuted...

Coming Back

It's been awhile since my last post.. Been very reluctant to update but I also tell myself not to slack off.. There are people there who waited to read my blog, and have asked me for updates. Unfortunately as inspired as I feel to write, I don't feel the necessity to write... I wanted to become like Kar Wai, write to understand, but sometimes things just narrower and narrower and in the end it's still back to ME..

This I think shows people that I like to tell people about me. What I've done, my experience and what I heard from others. It's a way to make people talk, to break off silence and a way to express what I think to the my friends. Rumour? Gossip? Don't mind if it's a concern bout someone or something I care... So I feel that sometimes I have zero distance for those who are close to me, but the distance is further for those are not close to me.

Lately I become the topic as well. Tried to act angry to stop it but in the end all I did was making some laughter... Well it's a good thing. I don't have a great smile, don't have the funniest joke to share, but I have the purest and simplest smiles when I have those around me with the ends of their lips curled up, a big uncontrolled burst of laughter if possible, only for the sake of jokes that anyone of us made. Not tears coming out of their eyes, feeling sorrow and mischievous.

I realize it's hard to get people out, get a group of friends to sit down and chit-chat about everything, especially when work life and love life take the most of us. So sometimes blogging is an alternative to keep people updated about me. It's a one way communication though, Whatever interpretation is personal and maybe misleading... At least I feel this way...