Bed Time Story

I’m impressed… I can understand what Sin Yee told me last time now… If it’s worth fight for, it’s worth dying for… I’m impressed how it shapes human determination that people are willing to give in the most costly thing including their lives to gain something or someone they desire so much…

I never think that my determination could stretch to a level where I never imagine before.. Of course not so high that I lost myself, but high enough for me to know myself once again that I’ve done something proud in my life, at least for me..

I’ve always seen myself as an impatient one, but somehow some claim that I’ve one hell of a patient guy… Hmm maybe it’s because I don’t throw my temper to them... Well as far as I can remember, the person suffered my worst temper is my mom. She had depression back then and yet I was stupid enough to throw temper at her due to her nagging characteristics where most moms do. Could recall that it was a massive jam while taking her to somewhere. Weather was bad, she’s just couldn’t shut up and the road was never smooth enough for me to shift to 2nd gear.. Damn it was horrible. Even though it’s past mother’s day but I still like to say Happy Mother’s Day to mom. She would never find out about this blog or could read this either but I really mean what I say here.

On contrary, I’m treating her right these days. She may not recall the incident, but it’s a painful memory I could not forget and dared not ask for forgiveness. On the bright side, it’s made me started to thank my mom and appreciate her presence to nag me on my life so I don’t make mistakes, nor to repeat them. Yeah we always tell ourselves not to live in the history, but we don’t realize how history has changed the way we lived (Kai Loon, 2009)

Stupid Burg

Economy's really bad these days.. Before that Ken's car glass was smashed, my mom almost got robbed and now my house... Fark the bastard who broke into my house, curse him till the day he dies.. Don't want to be so mean, but if things get that bad, you might feel like cursing these scumbags too.. I also don't want to be racist, but Indians these days just become more and more desperate as if the bad economy only affects them and gives them excuses to implement their evil thoughts...

It's also given some further thinking. Currently I don't own a house, moreover a house with better security. In fact, I don't even have a proper house.. I want to get rich, I want a better life, I want to work harder, I want to get out of this miserable neighbourhood....

I've lost 200 bucks, but it's more than 200 cuz all the notes were so valuable to me and my mom lost more than 1k. I hope what I'm earning in the future will be so much greater, to attract him to come back and get me, and I'll bust him to avenge what I've lost, and let him be prosecuted...

Coming Back

It's been awhile since my last post.. Been very reluctant to update but I also tell myself not to slack off.. There are people there who waited to read my blog, and have asked me for updates. Unfortunately as inspired as I feel to write, I don't feel the necessity to write... I wanted to become like Kar Wai, write to understand, but sometimes things just narrower and narrower and in the end it's still back to ME..

This I think shows people that I like to tell people about me. What I've done, my experience and what I heard from others. It's a way to make people talk, to break off silence and a way to express what I think to the my friends. Rumour? Gossip? Don't mind if it's a concern bout someone or something I care... So I feel that sometimes I have zero distance for those who are close to me, but the distance is further for those are not close to me.

Lately I become the topic as well. Tried to act angry to stop it but in the end all I did was making some laughter... Well it's a good thing. I don't have a great smile, don't have the funniest joke to share, but I have the purest and simplest smiles when I have those around me with the ends of their lips curled up, a big uncontrolled burst of laughter if possible, only for the sake of jokes that anyone of us made. Not tears coming out of their eyes, feeling sorrow and mischievous.

I realize it's hard to get people out, get a group of friends to sit down and chit-chat about everything, especially when work life and love life take the most of us. So sometimes blogging is an alternative to keep people updated about me. It's a one way communication though, Whatever interpretation is personal and maybe misleading... At least I feel this way...

Randomness

"Sarah, you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.. The truth is, you're what I thought that I ever wanted and more.. The last few days, all I can think about is our future together, how we'll be together for real, no fake relationships, no cover, no lies..

But the more I think about it the more I realised that you and I can never have a future together..
Because even if we had relationship, it would never be real
I want to be able to call you during your bad day and tell you stupid jokes that Morgan did and not find out that I can't cuz you're off somewhere in Paraguay quelling a revolution with a fork. I'm a normal guy who wants a normal life and as amazing as you are, you'll never be normal.."

Quoted from Chuck.. Is love life so complicated? Or are we the ones complicating ourselves? Dodging oncoming bullets, shielding ourselves with lies and excuses...

But, we shape dramas just as how dramas shape us. There might be complicated relationships in life; or I am just giving more excuses

Initially, Love is....

Initially, love is easy.
Initially, love is simple.
Initially, love is between 2 persons..

As love entrenches and grows, it starts to become complicated,
love doesn't belong to just two of the loves anymore,
Many are dragged into this relationship, whether intended or unintended..

First would be friends. Best fren would know first, followed by congratulations from the rest, with a few mocking moments of course. There would also those who do not wish to bless the relationship. Skip those having red eyes, guy would start meeting girl's friends and vice versa. Ocasionally disputes arise between these two and best friends of both sides hop in and listen to each's problems and complaints, and hopefully able to solve them without being said as busybodies.

Next family comes in, some tried to hide from knowledge of parents. It works for those who don't really live with families. But parents eventually would find out, from the increase in increase in phone bills, fuel expenses, frequency of outing and yada yada....

So some choose to inform their parents, hoping of blessings from parents too. For those who fail that, it would be doubly hard for this relationship to continue. Hence some would just keep it tight from parents' knowledge. Some keep it in private as they think that relationship is not yet stable, waiting for the relationship to be mature only start telling the old folks. Sooner or later, they tend to forget, and some keep delaying by giving lots of excuses, some go into cold wars as they become speechless.

Not trying to criticise those who don't need acknowlegdement from their old folks. I am not here to judge who's right or who's wrong, everyone has his or her own way of thinking, but do remember that for everyone who's in relationship to think not only in your own shoe, but also this from your counterpart's point. Communication remains the most important tool to maintain relationship and to break down walls . A good communication doesn't come one sided, it comes with respect of both sides who agree on the best decision which would be advantageous to both sides.

At the end of the day, he/she maybe the one who would walk with you through. It's a waste if a relationship goes sour just because of a sandlike problem...

Blog for Blogging

It's almost 4am now I'm still awake to blog.. It's the best time to inspire me to blog..

Life's been good, almost way too good. Great time passes in a blink of an eye. It's been a month plus after my finals and results are out and I've graduated.. Am I motivated enough to find a job? I can see that I'm so unproductive currently while spending money everyday. When you're not earning, you're spending, simple as that. So it's up to me to choose my road now.

I always wanted to graduate asap during college time. It's like I'm 23 and others with same age are already working with same qualification. But right now, it feels so good if I can step back into college and attend lectures waiting for lunch time to get a grip with my friends. Nothing bigger than results and assignment due dates which worry me.

Right now, I'm worried and confused. Economy is really bad with unemployment and retrenchment everywhere. The fear is undeniable. Failure to get employed, to gel with my job, to gel with others keep coming into my head. Felt that I should've just continued with my studies. But do I have the luxury to continue on? Mom's gonna be a senior citizen soon. It's my responsibility to take good care of her, although she's the one taking care of me now. I need motivation too if I'm to further my studies. Asked a couple of friends and they seemed to be indecisive too. Friends' decisions still hold up a big influence on me I guess.

As for relationship part, I've been good to my friends, including those I dislike. Hate that I'm pretending in front of them. But I'm a grown-up now and certain things just can't be done to create unhappiness to others. I try not to hurt people anymore. Maybe keeping a distance seem to be a better solution. I do hope that my relationship with them remain strong, though things aren't simple as they seem. People have their own lives to care for and keeping the bond strong is just merely an alternative compare to keeping their lives going. It happens to me too but there's totally nothing wrong with it. It only made me feel that, time can really fade everything, everything within its path.

In searching for other half, I think I've forgotten what it's like to go after a person you like. It's not as simple as those like I miss u, I want to see anymore. Responsibilities would be a great concern and I don't see that at all in me. Been trying hard to gain it, but seems like I lose it even faster. Maybe I haven't found one I feel brave enough to bear everything up, or I won't be.. It's always good to be single, but the taste of love barely resides in my mind.

Hmm

Wat kind of person am I?
I cannot answer this question at all...

Just feel tat I'm a bad person, inside and outside...
Hurt many ppl, dissapointed many,
Nvr did wat others wanted,
selfish and lazy..

But it's ok...
I'm trying to change...
What I need is still motivation,
not only from myself, but also from friends and family...

To be a better person